LOVE and WARdrobe

Football Clueless Lesson 2

After yesterdays oh so educational lesson on full backs, wingers and the rest of the boys who like to kick balls, comes an essential tuition for the WAG-to-be on leagues. You won't get into his league if you don't understand prepare, we are about to discover the unknown...what is the difference between the Champions League and the League Cup? Is league two division three? And who plays in what?

First off, we are going to delve into the league you will be most familiar with if from England. The Premiership is the biggest England league, but most of the players ironically aren't from England, especially in teams like Arsenal and Manchester City. The big boys of football play in this league, so be warned; your men will pay you very little attention during this event! Unfortunately, this is most of the year, from August-May, with 380 matches per season. It is also known as the Barclays Premier League, as they supply the sponsorship for the man-kidnapping event. If you want your man to give you W list status (for WAG- better than Z list), this is the league you must get to know. I personally find creating a fantasy football league against my boyfriend is the best way make boring matches that little more interesting (especially as I beat him.)

The Championship
This is the league below the Premiership. Three teams will get promoted at the end of the season into the above league, which usually means a pay rise for the players (more supporters, more sponsorship and more chance of getting asked to play for Chelsea.) Portsmouth and Hull fans are very miserable after being relegated to this league, so comfort boyfriends who support these leagues. Offer them a biscuit.

League One
League one makes it sound a lot higher than it is, really, it is division three. It is also known as the N Power league- so don't get caught out when your footy fan tries to trick you. If you fancy sponsoring this league, you might even get it named after yourself. The Isabella league- catchy.

League Two
Unless your local team is in this league- it probably will mean very little to your football-loving boyfriend. Phew- one league we can ignore.

The Conference
Yes- there's more!This is below all of the 4 FA leagues named above, it's basically the amateur dramatics of the football world- small crowds, pitches and income. But great for talent spotting (in both meanings, most likely) - so brilliant if you want to grab a footballer before he hits the big time and goes crashing out of China White with two blondes.
Although we can't gurantee he won't do this anyway.

The FA Cup
This has all FA four teams competing for the win. So a team at the bottom of league two could end up beating Chelsea- this cup provides much excitement for local team supporters, and finishes in May. Whoever your crush supports, he is likely to watch this football competition, you have been warned.

The League Cup
This is a knockout competition, yes another one.

The Charity Shield
This is only one match- rejoice! It takes place in August to excite football fans before the new season, and sees the winners of the Premiership and FA cup play each other. When this starts, you know you are soon to lose your man to the TV, so you might as well start planning those girly trips.

The Champions League
Mid-week games for all top of league clubs in Europe & England. Stops us seeing Eastenders- this is not good. Instruct footballing boyfriend to buy two TVs.

The UEFA Cup
This is another European cup- but people look cool-it's been renamed the UEFA Europa League. Just because they can.

The World Cup
This one is international football, and is great if you like facepainting. Probably the most fun out of all footballing competitions- but still interferes with Eastenders.

And last, but not least...

The European Championship
This takes place every four years and sees European teams compete for the cup. Good for starting a Euro party spirit (think Eurovision, but with balls.)

So here we have it- we are now experts at what men are watching in pubs around the country. Tomorrow we will learn some rules of the game- yes people, this does mean offside.

To read a more serious approach to football read my work at

Photograph and styling by me- Isabella Stockwell- sports and fashion writer, stylist and photographer