LOVE and WARdrobe

Football Clueless Lesson 1


Before becoming a football reporter, I couldn't tell the difference between the salt and pepper and the ketchup when it came to the offside rule. Having had to learn quickly about the sport men would swap sex for, I decided to help other football-virgins impress their footballing crush with some must-know footballing knowledge. Daily tips are therefore needed- so get your knee-high socks on WAGs to be, we have some rules for balls to learn!
The first of the daily tips must cover the basics, starting with the roles of each man running around the pitch.
Number 1: Goalkeeper
Big hands, often tall (except Spanish Casillas),and great at cupping balls. Spend most of the game shouting, arranging teamates in lines and very occassionally diving on the floor- they often get told off when growing up for making their socks dirty.

Full Backs:
There are 2 full backs, whose job it is to stop the ball going towards their goal. As kids they are defensive of their toys, and will kick you if you dare as much as to go within a few feet of their goal. You have been warned!

Centre Backs
These two guys stop the ball going into the goal, and finish up the defence (yet again, very protective as children, and not good to steal food from as they will tackle you for it back- not good in a restaurant.)

The attack:

The Beckham's of the world!These are men's idols. Do not make the mistake of suggesting your crushes midfielding idol is in any way anything other than perfect, it won't go down well. Midfielders control a lot of the game by setting up goals and passing in ways that determine the game, so they are pretty important fellows.

Two guys run up and down the side of the pitch with the aim of booting the ball towards the goal. One on the right, one on the left, depending on whether they are right or left footed. There's a shortage of left-footers, however, so be prepared for moaning when a right winger has to be a left winger for an important game, and fails, miserably. If your crush is a winger- please tell me, is one leg more muscular than the other?

Last but not least:
These chaps do funny dances when they put the ball in the goal. They are macho and kiss guys, but remember; it is macho. Strikers are hated and loved, depending on whether they have scored or not, so beware; these guys can cause your crush despair. Or in my case, my boyfriend to jump up in celebration, accidently elbowing me in the face in the process. Tip: steer clear of elbows.

Next time: What league is that? Never-ending football tournaments- what they are and when they are- preparing us for when to wash our hair

Please visit my site for a more serious look at the latest footballing news

Photography and Styling by me, Isabella Stockwell